Here we are. Again.
In the midst of our annual dance between ‘what is your purpose?’ and ‘why is your purpose?’ The cognitive back-and-forth that seems to exist solely in my head.
This time I chose to settle on a statement that would prematurely send every argument to its grave, “Am I even amongst the living?’
Of course, that question then launched another rocket of cognitive debate that made me wish I could run through a fire pit or throw my body into a human sized washing machine. Anything that would dislodge my mind from the equation - momentarily, perhaps forever. A distraction that could last a lifetime.
What is the point of using vast amounts of energy to decipher purpose, success and sanity if I am not even sure that I am amongst those who are living.
A good escape right? I thought so too.
Captured by Zivanai Matangi
In my attempt to answer this question, I did what many people born after the second ‘world’ war would do - I asked Google. Google introduced me to his new friend, generative AI, who gave me a list of things to assess to make sure that I’m still alive.
Check your pulse.
Can you move your limbs?
Are you still breathing?
At some point I wondered how a person who wasn’t able to do any of the listed actions would be able to read the responses and assess. But hey - I’m not the sophisticated technology that some call ‘a threat to human intelligence’ - so what do I know?
My search sent me in many directions. Spiritual responses such as ‘I know I’m alive because others acknowledge my soul.’ Physiological rhetoric from the devoted disciples of Carl Jung who asked; ‘Do you feel? Do you love? Do you play?’ And of course, the blatantly candid, don’t-waste-our-time Reddit community, who rolled their eyes and typed; ‘Because the clock on my phone says so.’
Once I realised that I wouldn’t find an answer that satisfied the existential catastrophe that was brewing in my mind, I remembered something I heard Elder Malidoma Somé say. He was speaking about the wisdom of water and how the elders of the Dagara people of Burkina Faso approach things of the earth. He said,
“Ideas could come in when we exercise a level of humility thereby demonstrating that not everything can be solved cerebrally. Not everything can be solved by the mind. It begins by recognising that something is amiss and that somehow we want to return to a new relationship with the planet that we’re in.”
His message about our intellectual approach to the confusingly ironic scarcity of water on this water planet, launched rockets of resonance throughout my body. It also made me think about how I reckon with most ideas. As a recovering overthinker, much of my experiments happen in my mind. Ideas are born and are granted access to grow by the authority of my cognition.
Thinking through my feelings.
Emotional battles are fought and often won rationally. Feelings are felt and allowed to expand once they pass the test of sensemaking. If my reaction to something is not reasonable, my heart must find a way to quickly rid itself of the emotion.
On most days the ship of intellectual fantasy runs tightly. That is until an unexpected wave of repressed emotion surfaces and we must halt - so as to not tip over. It is in that moment, in the overwhelming chaos of the out-of-mind, frantic experience of crude uncertainty.
The moment where I feel every emotion that ever existed, all at once.
That is when I know that I am alive.
Captured by Zivanai Matangi
Music tends to have that effect on me. It has the ability to transport me to every part of myself all at once.
There are a few songs that catch me for the first time when I need to hear them most. When musician and poet, Elmiene received the lyrics to his song Marking My Time, it is as though he had me in mind. I encourage you to listen to the song in its entirety.
In the meantime, here are a few fragmented lines;
“Send me the prayer I'm missing
Because I need the sign
And even though I'm listening, mm
It's gonna take awhile, mm
Holdin' my breath, I've been divin'
Obeying all my life
That is our reality
Now every line I question
Am I afraid to be?
Someone who learned a lesson, ooh
Amongst the evergreens
I've lied, I've tried, I've loved
I've lived, I've died, I will survive”
Listen to the song here: Marking My Time x Elmiene
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